Isolation

I don’t always have a proper view of myself. I have struggled with low self-esteem and still do sometimes. I have major, major, major trust issues. I tend push all of my emotions to the back. I can’t handle other people not being able to handle them, so it’s better for everyone if I just box it up. But that isn’t true. It is a lie. An awful, isolating lie.

When I’m isolated is when I have the most issue with all of my problems. It is when I’m attacked. I do well, and then I hit a downward spiral that takes me out of commission for a while. Sometimes, it can be for months. That is being human, though, I suppose. Maybe I’m not fooling myself when I think I’m doing better. Maybe I really am but happen to hit a pothole in the road that makes it seem as though I’m not making progress. And, maybe, I’ll never truly be “better.”

God can heal me, cleanse me, and make me whole. I’m sure of that. I don’t think that His view of healing, cleansing and wholeness match up with mine all the time however. I know I have issues, but I’m getting better with God’s help. It doesn’t matter if I’m surrounded by loving, caring, and understanding people, although it does help, or I’m a hermit on a mountain. God is the one in charge, and at the end of the day, that is all that matters.

I forget that a lot. I need reminding, and sometimes it can take a few months of loneliness and apathy to crack into desperation, which then points me back in the right direction. Funny enough, once I’m back on the right track, the problems don’t change, but how I feel and approach them does.

Not being in a close-knit community of believers is tough. When I’m home, I miss my school and my friends. However, this is not unlike what it might be like once I graduate. Friendships require work and effort on all sides. I’m not going to sit idly by as they disintegrate just because I don’t see these people 24/7. But as important as people are to me, I can’t become dependent on them. I’ve made that mistake enough, and I’ve been on the opposite end of it one too many times. All that does is end in pain on all sides. To expect all of your needs to be met by another human being is asking to be let down, disappointed, and quite possibly, heartbroken.

You can’t place all of your hope in people. People are human. No one is perfect, and that is ok. The only being able and capable of providing what you need is God. It doesn’t matter if you have people or not. God can and does work through people, but He isn’t confined to just that method.

Trust God to take care of you. He will. It’s a lesson that I am constantly learning and relearning. I’m not perfect, and I’ll certainly slip up somewhere at some point. The thing is, I have an ever so patient Heavenly Father willing to love and care for me without hesitation. If that isn’t the best gift ever, then I don’t know what is.